I had my coffee and now I have something worth posting about!

Sooo, a few cups of coffee later I am feeling much more inspired.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I have blogged about our loss before, but not with a whole lot of detail.

I was sort of thinking no one else would really remember that today is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, then I started playing around in bloggy world and there are so many people mentioning it.

Five, almost six, years ago I had a regular doctor check up. I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already had our 20 week ultrasound and found out it was a boy. Everything was developing just fine. No concerns. So as I sat in the waiting room, alone, I started realizing the baby wasn't really moving. I started trying to remember the last time I felt the baby move. I honestly couldn't remember, but with 2 other small boys bouncing around I didn't always get the chance to feel every movement like I did with the first pregnancy. So I tried to dismiss these feelings of something being wrong. I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. My husband had dropped me off and ran across the street to pay a parking ticket and thought we'd be done about the same time. We were going to keep in contact by cell phone. So just as I decide I should call him to come back the nurse calls me in. So I didn't call my husband. She did the normal checking my blood pressure, etc. and then she goes to check the heart beat. She ran the thing-y (have no idea what it is called!) over my stomach, no heart beat. She moves it across my stomach to the other side, now up higher, now down lower. She asks me where she is usually able to find the heart beat, and I pointed to a spot on my stomach. She tried again. She gets a worried look on her face and says, I will be right back. I am going to go get your doctor.

The doctor came in and he tried, unsuccessfully, to find the heart beat. He went and got a newer ultra sound machine and still couldn't find it. He said "I want you to go down to radiology right now." So the nurse walked me down there. I got all set up and the radiologist started looking.

Just then, the door opened and in walked my husband. He said "What in the world are you doing in here?" and he kinda chuckled. I started crying and started to tell him they couldn't find a heart beat, but the radiologist spoke up and said "Here is the heart and it isn't beating. I'll leave you two alone now."

Even as I type that I cry. It has been 5 years and still stings just like it was this morning.

We sat and cried together for what seemed like hours, but honestly I have no idea how long we were in there. Then our doctor came in and told us our options. We could go the hospital now or first thing in the morning. We decided we needed to go in the morning because we would need to find someone to care for our other two boys. They escorted us out a back stairway so we didn't have to traipse through the waiting. I still wonder if they did that for our sake or for the sake of the other new moms sitting in the waiting area?!?

We started making some painful phone calls and arranging for the boys to spend a few nights with our nephew and his wife. They came to our house and picked them up. The boys were only 1 year and 2 years old so they were pretty much clueless as to why they were leaving, but didn't seem to mind either.

I spent the whole night awake wondering why. Why had I not realized he wasn't moving? Why did he die? What had I done to make this happen? Was I being punished for something? Had I not taken care of myself well enough?

We went to the hospital at 6:00 am the following day. They started to induce my labor about 8. About 3 pm I knew it was time. I told the nurse I needed to push. She paged and paged the on-call doctor who never responded. Then I told my nurse I just couldn't push. She told me I had to. I said "Please don't ask me to do that." But she just kept saying nice things and rubbing my arm. Then, without a doctor, she delivered him. I remember her asking if I wanted to hold him. The thought hadn't crossed my mind prior to that and I wasn't sure I could do it. She really encouraged me to do so.

She cleaned him up, wrapped him up, put a little hat on his head and brought him to me. He looked so peaceful. We had family there and some of them even held him.

That was the hardest day of my life.

Please light a candle tonight at 7:00 pm to honor all those little babes lost.