Letter to man who borrowed my pen

Dear Man-at-grocery-store-who-asked-to-borrow-my-pen:

Although I generously and graciously gave you my pen that you asked for to write your check and although you promised to give it back when you were done, thank you for NOT giving me my pen back.

As I stood behind you in line and glanced at the items in your cart I noticed you had several disturbing items. For instance the many bottles and boxes of "lice killing" items along with the lubricants and condoms, not to mention vegetable oil and whipped cream in a can (no doubt you were cooking a great dessert when you got home) were all a little bit odd considering there were no real food items to speak of. Then as you started putting the items on the conveyor belt I noticed you also had some hemorrhoid cream and wipes and a tube of anti-itch cream.

So dear sir, thank you so much for not keeping your promise to return my pen. I can live without it.

Hope your evening was splendid and I just wonder if your "date" knew about all the items you bought?